Chemo/Radiation

I started back on radiation on December 27 after missing 3 days for the holidays and hospital visit.  Then on December 29 I got a new round of the continuous infusion chemo.  Yuck.  The radiation I can tolerate, but this chemo pump makes me so sick.  I have not had the stamina or desire to even type for the last three days.  I really hate being sick.

This "treatment" lasts for 26 more days.  I will have 17 more radiation treatments (28 total) and then a month to recover and then surgery.

I've been very surprised that the chemo is affecting me so severely so quickly.  I had been led to believe that most people don't have a strong reaction to 5-FU at least early on.  I've never been sensitive to drugs and so I didn't expect to be one of the lucky ones with lots of side effects, but ...  After the disastrous IV push in my port of Aloxi (anti-nausea), 10 days ago, I am reading more about any drugs that are suggested.  So far, I haven't gotten the nerve to take anything else.

All I really want to do is grab the battery out of this pump and throw it as far as I can.  Please pray that I can make it for 26 more days (without pulling out my hair or the pump battery).



White Christmas

2010 was truly a landmark Christmas for our family.  You know, one of those years you use to reference other years. 

"Like, you remember 2010?  That was the year of the surprise snowfall on Christmas morning that was perfect for adults and children; the year Greg and Cathy flew in from Dallas with 3 small babies; the year Scott and Kathryn got engaged; the year Grandmother made it home from the hospital just before Christmas eve and felt good the whole holiday; and PapaDaddy put a new wedding ring under the tree for her?"

Happy New Year, everyone!



New Praises

Yesterday morning in the hospital, I was told that nothing else much could be done for my condition and to just expect to be pretty sick at least a few more weeks!  I felt so miserable that this was pretty hard to take, but we planned for a Christmas in bed and make the best of it.

But God still hears prayers and about 1:00 yesterday I started feeling better.  Last night I woke up and realized: hey, I feel pretty darn good.  This morning I have energy, pep, and pizzaz.  Bring on Christmas!  The Texas Hodges are arriving from Dallas today for 5 days and we will have a wonderful, wild time with 6 children 7 and under.

I realize that this is a long, dark journey, but for this Christmas Eve, I am Praising God and feeling good.

Home for Christmas

Those words never sounded better than this year.  I was afraid that I might be at Huntsville Hospital for Christmas, and as nice as those people are, they don't compare to my children and grandchildren.

I had a little detour this week.  Since Saturday, I have been having severe abdominal cramping.  On Tuesday, I stayed in bed but  forced myself up to go to my 3:00 radiation treatment.  I made the treatment but fainted twice in the bathroom immediately after.  Fortunately, I had motioned for Gary to come with me because the pain was increasing.  He saved me from hitting the tile floor, but it did nothing for his nerves. We had called the medical oncologist's office on the drive over requesting (actually demanding) treatment.  So when Gary got me out to the waiting room (still in my gowns), two nurses were waiting to help.  After fainting again from pain and my vitals bottoming, the Dr. decided to send me to the ER.

That was my first trip in an ambulance (and it must have been the driver's also)!  It took forever to get from CCI to HH.  After only an hour, I got a big shot of narcotics in my port and I was happy.  We stayed in ER until midnight and then moved to 4East.  I had a CT scan yesterday (yes, I drank the "stuff") and everything was ok.  Of course, as my mother used to say as she aged, "ok" isn't what it used to be.

I love my port.  Thank you Dr. H.  I did not get a single needle puncture in the hospital!  A Miracle!

Gary, Dana, Scott, Kathryn were wonderful to care for me.  Thanks, Nick, for caring for the kids and allowing Dana to help me.  The staff at the hospital was wonderful.  Thank you again for all your prayers; it means so much to me to know my name is being lifted to the Lord.

Angel-nurse JoAnn H.

Blah

I have always been an active person and "blah" is not the way I like to feel.  This weekend has definitely been on the bad side of blah.  The chemo anti-nausea drug gave me constipation and the radiation has started diarrhea.  (And believe me you can have both.)  Gee, what a great Christmas present!  I have been so blessed with good health that it is hard learning to deal with all this.  I have treatments every afternoon, so this may get interesting.  I am learning to be more alert before taking a new drug "just because".

Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas week.  I am especially praying for two friends who lost a mother and a husband this year.  God Bless and keep you.



Wings Clipped Again

Yesterday was a trying day.  Ice and sleet were forecast, and we were uncertain about being able to make it to my appointments.  But a breezy ride in the Wrangler (4WD) proved that the only slick spots were on our driveway!  Huntsville dodged another winter weather incident.

After #3 radiation treatment, I had a 1:00 appointment with my medical oncologist, Dr. M, at CCI also.  I hadn't seen him in a while and didn't know what to expect from this visit (which always makes me uneasy).

Well, sure enough, he was ready to start the chemotherapy.  He is such a nice man, and we had a long conference about this treatment and the future.  I have been so blessed with compassionate, caring physicians and nurses.

Two hours later I was all equipped with a continuous infusion pump attached to the port in my left shoulder about an inch from the former drain tube site.  I had been so elated to lose the drain tube, that I sure did hate to get another tube so soon.

With the Lord's help, I'm trying to survive this one day at a time, because six weeks of carrying around this pump and getting stuck twice a week chills my blood.  But we know that God is faithful to meet our needs!

I'm including a photo of my chic new wardrobe!



2 Down, 26 To Go

Finished 2 radiation treatments and weather permitting I'll get #3 done today.  That means I'll finish all 28 by late January.  That sounds like a long, long time.

But it isn't so bad.  I get to wear these two stylish, chic gowns (one opening in the front and one in the back) and sit in the waiting room with similarly clad companions.  Then the real fun begins--trying to climb on the scan table on my hands and knees in these gowns and then position my stomach over the shield opening!  I don't know how the technicians keep from dying laughing at my antics.  The only thing better is my dismount performance.  But the staff is great and, hey, I don't get bored because I have somewhere to go every day.

Juliette Arwen and Greg



Tubeless and Free As A Bird

Yeah, the tube is gone!!!  We traveled to Nashville and Vanderbilt Clinic this afternoon.  Dr. K pronounced me fit, fine, and dismissed and most importantly removed the neck drain tube.  When he pulled the tube out I saw that it had been about 15" of big tubing in my neck--yuck.  But the procedure didn't hurt (another good thing about cutting nerves), and now I am reveling in the freedom of not having a big bulb pinned to my shirt!

I plan to enjoy this freedom to the max because, it won't be long before I am fitted with a chemo infusion pump draining into the port in my left shoulder.  Oh, well, freedom is great as long as it lasts.

Thanks, Gary, for driving me to Nashville, again, and buying me a great dinner on the way home.

Nick,Warren Finch,Dana,Wilson James,Marianne Caroline,Mo-mo



God is Good, All the Time

We are praising God all day for a good pathology report on the neck dissection.  Good report is not a good way to describe it--great is a better way.  67 nodes were tested and all were clean.  No evidence of melanoma was found!!!  This is a wonderful answer to prayer.  For this round at least, this is a cure.

  I want to thank everyone so much for all their prayers.  He is so faithful to be with me everyday.

I had my first radiation treatment today and everything went well.  Now only 27 more and I will add the chemo on Wednesday.  So don't stop praying!

15 Years

My daddy had a massive stroke on December 12, 1995, 15 years ago today.  He died on July 30, 1996, after seven months of being completely paralyzed on a feeding tube.  I always think of this as the day my daddy really died and hope that he didn't suffer all the remaining days until he went to be with his Lord.

I loved my daddy to pieces all my life and he was the best man God ever made.  Everyone who knew him loved him (and he knew a lot of people).  He was 85 when he died and was the finest of southern gentlemen.  I miss you Daddy.

This week has been more difficult--more pain and discomfort.  This morning while thumbing through my mother's Bible (that I like to use now), I found a scrap of paper that I had never noticed before.  It is in her beautiful handwriting, and I was blessed by a quotation she must have written down and left in her Bible.

"I am humbled by His tender care and personal involvement in my life.
I cherish the day I placed my hand in His.
My journey has given me a priceless glimpse of His Heart."

Thank you, Mama, you always knew just what I needed.

Surgery Progress

I thought it was time to post a progress report (uh-oh, that sounds like an old school teacher) since my surgery last week.  It has been 8 days since I had a modified radical neck lymph node dissection and my stitches are beginning to disappear.

I only spent one night in the hospital and thanks to my care partner husband I have been doing very well.  I haven't had to take any pain medicine which is mostly due to the fact that the nerves were cut or injured in my neck (a fact of which I am very happy, at this time anyway).  The places that do have "feeling" are reminding me that I had a 5 hour surgery!  My left shoulder, arm, and back are quite painful but bearable.  My cheek, ear, and mouth just have different levels of weirdness!  But I can eat, talk, and drive short distances, so all is well.

My hair took a beating during the surgery.  I went in with fairly nice hair and came out with something that looks like a bad wig!  So I now have a short (feels great) cut.

I still have my lovely drain tube for another 5 days.  But, except for not being able to take long, hot showers, even it hasn't been too bad.  So now I just take long, hot baths in my wonderful clawfoot soaking tub.

Oh, Gary says he may have to look for a chat room for care-givers that teaches him what, when, and how to say anything.  Mainly to figure out how much trouble his next comment is going to arouse!

Tattoos

I can't say that I've ever been a fan of tattoos.  Now that I have three, I am even less of one.  While having my radiation simulation on Monday, the technician kept referring to finishing up with the "tattoos".

While laying on my stomach on that comfortable CT scan table, trying not to completely squish my drain tube or permanantly crimp my chin, I'm thinking tattoos equals stickers.  Wrong!

Man, I can't imagine why anyone would choose to do this tattoo business voluntarily!  Oh, and by the way, don't be looking for any photos of these tattoos on the blog!!!  I'm only willing to share so much.

"Just When I Need Him"

For those of you who don't know, my brother and I grew up in the most wonderful Christian family.  Our parents, who had graduated from high school during the depression and served in World War II, were older than the norm.  I think these experiences made them wise, loving, Christ-like examples for us.  They loved their church and we participated in every service.

My favorite part of worship was singing hymns.  In the recent decades when the "old hymns" have been replaced by contemporary choruses, I have really missed the joy of singing them.  Somehow, holding a hymnal makes me feel like I am ready to really worship.  My memory fades on so many of the Scriptures I learned through the years, but just get me started and I can sing the entire Broadman Hymnal by memory!

Last Wednesday while sitting in the surgery waiting room at Vanderbilt Hospital I was becoming more anxious as the time passed.  Suddenly a hymn sprung from my heart "Just When I Need Him Most, Jesus is Near".  I haven't sung or thought those words in ages but my Savior knew just the way to comfort me and still my anxious heart.  So during the surgery pre-op and all the recovery, I have been praising him for reminding me:

"Just when I need Him, Jesus is near,
Just when I falter, just when I fear;
Ready to help me, ready to cheer,
Just when I need Him most.

Just when I need Him, he is my all,
Answering when upon Him I call;
Tenderly watching lest I should fall,
Just when I need Him most.

Home, Sweet, Home

What a blessing to be home again!  I made the trip in fine fashion.  Either Gary "flew" or I slept most of the way, because before I knew it we were back in Alabama.  We both slept about 14 straight hours and are refreshed this morning.  My wonderful husband is cooking breakfast for me!

I've had no pain medicine which is pretty amazing when you look at these long incisions.  I have one incision just under the left jawline from midline to behind the ear.  Also another incision at the base of the neck the same length.  The worst seems to be this awful drain tube, but only 2 weeks of it.

As always, Jesus held my hand through the entire ordeal.  I was not anxious or afraid.  The hospital staff were all very helpful and kind.  Everything was as pleasant as possible including getting the last private room Wednesday night.

We came, we conquered, we returned!

What an eventful 24 hours.  Left Huntsville at 6:20 and  arrived at Vanderbilt at 8:45 Wednesday and will be leaving sometime this afternoon.  Everything went well and I am feeling pretty good.  I still have IV's in both hands so I'm not going to write much this morning, but will send more details Friday.

Showers of Blessings

Three posts in less than 24 hours; I'll really try everyone's patience this week!

We have had a steady, hard rain all night, and I've heard most of it.  I guess my beauty days are definitely over  because my beauty sleep is sure hard to come by these days!  But sleepless hours are a great time for reflection.  God is good in everything!

I couldn't help reflecting on how good God is to provide for us in all ways.  My journey through dealing with two primary tumors could have been totally overwhelming (and has seemed that way at times), but just when I begin to despair God shows me that He is still there holding my hand through it all.  How glorious!

We had really given up hope on being able to arrange surgery at Vanderbilt even though we had confidence in that being the right place to treat the melanoma.  It just seemed like a roadblock on timing.  I actually did give up two weeks ago because I couldn't schedule until the end of December and that just pushed my radiation/chemo treatment for the colon off too long.  But while on our little trip to the Biltmore, Dr. K's office called and had opened up a clinic spot for me to come in on Nov. 24 (last Wednesday).  I snatched it up and we made plans to go.  But at that visit I wasn't able to set a date for surgery and was in the depths of despair again.

I felt like, "Lord, why did you bring us here and then close the door again?"  But instead of letting me be discouraged and depressed over the long holiday weekend, God provided a wonderful treat for us.  Our daughter (thanks to the generosity of her husband and in-laws) came and stayed at our house and ministered to us for 3 days. 

By Monday morning, I felt refreshed enough to start making calls again and God provided a miracle:  a December 1 surgery date!  The surgeon had told us in his first email two weeks ago that there was no possibility of a Dec 1 or 2 opening!  Hallelujah, God is good--all the time.

Glory Be

I don't know if I have spelled this title correctly.  I just remember this being a favorite expression by "the older generation".  Since I am now officially a member of that generation (had my 62nd birthday last month), I thought I would like to revive the saying GLORY BE.

Anyway, I am saying "Thank you God" this morning for working out an impossible situation and making it possible for me to have surgery on Wednesday at Vanderbilt Hospital!  I had given up hope on things ever coming together at the right time.

I go tomorrow morning for pre-op and then arrive at 9:00 Wednesday morning for an 11:00 surgery (5 1/2 hour surgery).  I will stay one or two nights.  Then Dec 6 I start preliminaries for radiation on the colon cancer.  It looks like things are about to jump into high gear.

I want to thank everyone again for all your prayers and kind words.  I know that I am in God's Hands now, as always, and He will see us through.

A Bit of Advice

Normally I steer away from giving advice at all costs.  Giving advice is just a bad thing; it just leads to trouble.  I know, I can just hear my family saying," But you are always full of ideas for every situation."  Well, ideas and advice are entirely different!

But, nevertheless, I will say if you are planning to get cancer, my advice is to do it "one at a time".  Having two primary cancers at once is totally nerve-racking and not to be recommended!  Every simple decision turns into a quagmire of problems.  But with the Lord's help we are muddling our way through.

The Biltmore at Christmas

We have just returned from a wonderful "get-away" trip to North Carolina and Tennessee.  I've been feeling the need to run away for a few days and everytime we tried another appointment jumped up in the way.  So last Wednesday after a horrendous visit to remove the stitches in my mouth (which by the way hurt just as much as I anticipated) we jumped in the motorhome and headed for the mountains.

On Thursday we visited the Biltmore--the grounds in the afternoon and candlelight tour in the evening.  I have wanted to see their Christmas decorations for several years and sure enough it was worth the wait.  Magnificent!  Then we spent a couple of days at Smokey Mtn NP and really enjoyed driving around as well.

Now we are back home and ready to face reality again.  I have another visit to Vanderbilt on Wednesday afternoon to consult with a melanoma surgeon.  Then hopefully we will have a quiet Thanksgiving (going to a restaurant this year) and get ready for surgery next week.

Thanks again for all your kind words and prayers.  I had 3 of the sweetest emails of late from friends of Gary (Bubba, Dale, Randy) that we haven't seen since leaving Arkansas.  It really does lift my spirits to know that you are concerned and praying for me.

The Dye Is Cast

The trip to Vanderbilt University Medical Center is history (thankfully).  Dana was able to travel with us thanks to the kindness of a lovely homeschool family.  My appointment was with Dr. S, head of the Melanoma department.  We had tried to gather our thoughts and questions but just walking into one of those places seems to just suck out what little intelligence I have left!  But between the three of us I think we had a good consultation.

Dr. S seems to think that having the neck dissection is my best chance of eliminating the remaining melanoma.  So we made the decision to proceed with the surgery as soon as possible.  He recommended a surgeon at Vanderbilt, but after numerous conversations today he is booked until the later part of December.  Because I am waiting on starting radiation for the colon cancer until after this surgery, I simply cannot wait that long.  I had already seen an oncology head and neck surgeon in Huntsville and have decided to go with him.

All that explanation to say that my lymphadenectomy is scheduled at Huntsville Hospital for December 2.  Then I will start radiation the next week.  The next six months are going to be demanding!

My mouth and lips are healing well from last Friday's surgery.  I'm hoping to get stitches out tomorrow morning at my visit with Dr. D.  This afternoon I am headed to the GP's office to change my blood pressure meds (they just aren't cutting it anymore--can't imagine why).

So with all this going on, we have decided to get "out of Dodge" for a few days!  I've been wanting for the last two months to make a trip and every time some appointment comes up.  I bought tickets today for the Christmas Evening at Biltmore Estates for Thursday night!  Always wanted to see the Christmas decorations at Biltmore and think that a few days in the mountains will do us good.  After hopefully removing my stitches (my lips are so sore it will probably be a booger), we are picking up the motorhome and heading out.  Be back Monday.

This has been a wild journey already, one I would not have chosen.  But I am learning so much as I go along the way.  God really is faithful to deliver us with strength and courage just when we need it most.  The calm and peace I feel cannot be humanly explained, wow!

A New Song in my Heart

I love the old hymn "Just When I Need Him Most, He's Always Near".  The author really knew the truth!  Today I go to yet another surgery and have been feeling pretty low about it and the future.   I haven't been able to shake this feeling of hopelessness.

This morning while reading through Matthew, Jesus reminded me to "Ask and It Shall Be Given to You".  I have not prayed for healing, because I want to be only in His Will.  And I was suddenly impressed with what my prayer is:  Lord, heal me if it is Your Will and if it is time for me to go, then give me the strength to bear the pain of separation and the physical pain involved. 

Now, even through the tears, my heart is singing a new song  of joy that whatever lies ahead I'm not alone.  Now, on to the Surgery Center...

Two More Days

Two more days until I have the surgery to open my mouth!  And I can't wait.  I know it will be sore, swollen, and have more stitches, but I am reallly ready to move on.  In a few days, I see a nice steak and slice of pizza on my plate.

On Monday I talked with one of my oncologists, and she wanted to refer me to a melanoma specialist at Vanderbilt for an evaluation and treatment option opinion.  I agreed to go and have an appointment on Monday at Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center in Nashville.

I have really been dreading this appointment.  I have gotten "gun shy" because it seems every new doctor has a more ominous outlook than the last.  But I was reminded while reading Matthew 6 this morning that we are not to worry about tomorrow.  So I'm trying to focus on getting ready to eat the steak and let tomorrow's troubles go.

Ray of Sunshine

God provides a sunny side to even the darkest clouds.  My "ray of sunshine" this week is the news that our Texas family is coming here for Christmas.  I never expected them to be able to travel with 3 babies under 4. 

Greg and Cathy, I really appreciate your tackling Holiday airports in order to be here for Christmas.  I know we will have a wonderful time with six children and all their joy. 

Thanks again Cathy and Greg.

Wolfgang Adrien

Juliette Arwen 

Sebastian Alexander

Difficult Day

Wednesday was a difficult day.

  First off I had to decide on a location to have my remaining lip surgery on Nov. 12.  That is the wonderful day when my lips will be parted and my tongue freed (so to speak, pun intended)!  I could go for less hassle and expense by having it done in the Dr. D's office clinic under local anesthesia.  Or I could go to the Huntsville Surgery Clinic.  The Surgery Clinic involves more hassle, expense, but also more anesthesia.  I thought about getting multiple injections in my upper and lower lip around the scar and quickly decided on the Surgery Clinic.  I can tell that I've become more hysterical at the thought of pain!

In the afternoon, I had an appointment with an ENT surgeon (a Dr. T) who does lymphadenectomy.  My oncologist made this appointment and suggested I have this neck dissection surgery.  This is elective surgery, quite permanently debilitating and not proven to increase survival.  After much prayer and thought, we have decided to not have the surgery at this time (an option by Dr. T).  We will take the wait and watch approach with monthly exams of lymph nodes.  Starting radiation and chemo for the colon cancer is even more of a priority that could not start until healing had taken place on the neck.  With everything considered, we decided to proceed with the radiation as soon as my mouth heals sufficiently (about Dec.1).

Dr. T was extremely frank and while we don't want sugar-coated facts, it is still hard to hear so many negatives at one time.  But after a major melt-down that night, the sun is shining again and God is in His Heaven!

Warren Finch, Marianne Caroline, Wilson James

Gifts of comfort

I have recently received books from Taylor families.  My Alabama grandchildren's Arkansas grandparents, Grandmom and Pop (Nick's parents), sent me a wonderful book by David Jeremiah.  It is "A Bend in the Road" Experiencing God When Your World Caves In--great book.

Dana and Nick gave me a wonderful little book of Charles Spurgeon sermon vignettes titled "Beside Still Waters".  I wanted to share one of them that comforted me today.

"When pain gives every sign of increasing, when we wait for the surgeon with his dreaded knife, if we are to be sustained under suffering that makes the flesh shudder, we need the upholding gentleness of God.  'Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand' (Is. 41:10).  This promise, like the nightingale's song, is most sweet when heard in the night season."

I must go today for another consultation with yet another surgeon about yet another surgery even while waiting until next week for the surgery to finish my lip.  Without God's help I would have been washed away by this tidal wave of the last few weeks and contemplation of the future.  But with God's steady Hand and the support of my wonderful family and friends, I feel completely calm and steady even in the midst of this storm.

An this is an example of a great 'Gift of Comfort'.

This is Sebastian Alexander, number 6 grandchild.

Lip update

Still some swelling but, after the scare on Saturday, not too bad I guess.  Still stitches between the left side of my lips to be removed 11/12.

Have You Heard The One About...

Have you heard the one about the cemetery that everyone was dying to get into because they had such a great layaway plan?

Well, maybe that is what prompted us to want to buy a cemetery lot.  Since moving to Huntsville, we have enjoyed Maple Hill Cemetery in the fall and spring and looking at all the historic markers.  Last week we visited and were pleased to learn that a few lots were available.  So today we are the proud owners of lots in the shade of beautiful maple trees at Maple Hill.

                                         I am standing on the lot.

                                          You may can still see me.

Lucy Virginia

Last week I had the privilege and honor to see my seventh grandchild.  Little Lucy Virginia (you understand I'm using a grandmother's poetic license to choose gender and name) is beautiful!  She is 12 weeks gestation and 2 1/2 inches.



My wonderful daughter asked me to accompany her on her first dr. visit and be present for the first ultrasound.  It was very moving, and I deeply appreciate being asked to attend.

Trouble with graft

I have been feeling better and able to get out a little more, but yesterday afternoon while trying to brush some of my teeth with a baby toothbrush I saw that my lip skin graft was gray!  After an inward scream, I rushed downstairs with a flashlight to show Gary.  He called the plastic surgeon who blessedly called right back.

Evidently I had let it get too cold.  It looks better this morning after over-heating the house, keeping hot compresses on it, and head bandage in place.  So I'm back to square one with no talking, head bandage, over-heated rooms, and staying home for two more weeks.  very depressing.  I thought I had that battle won, but ...

But Praise the Lord I'm not alone in this battle.  My husband and children have been more than wonderful in taking care of me.  And I know the King is coming for me one day.

Laughing Cow or Mad Cow?

These days I'm not sure what's going on most of the time.

Laughs are much appreciated.

A big distraction has been watching the Rangers in the World Series with my son, Scott.  He spent 10 years in Dallas and has been with the Rangers through all the bad years before he learned how great it is in Alabama.    Hope the Rangers win out in 4 more games so he can quit wearing his Rangers t-shirt (or at least wash it).

GO RANGERS

Big Decisions

My "case" is being presented at the Tumor Board on Thursday for evaluation.  One cancer at a time is difficult enough but throw two together and any course of treatment is fraught with problems.  I expect to have a conference on Friday to be presented with treatment options. 

Please pray with me that we can decide on the best course of action or inaction. 

I am so grateful for all the people who are praying for me.  It brings a warmth and comfort that I never understood before.  Thank you all.

Pink Sutures

God is so wonderful; He allows us to see humor in even the darkest circumstances!

After my first facial surgery, Marianne, my 5 1/2 year old red-headed granddaughter, studied and studied my incision.  Her young eyes can evidently focus up close and personal.  She would get within a few inches of my face and really look it over.

After a few minutes of contemplation, she announced that she did not approve of the black sutures.  They simply did nothing for my skin.  The Dr. needed to use pink stitches so they would "camouflage" with my skin.  At first she thought about yellow but decided that would make me look orange (and she doesn't like orange).

She was quite disappointed after the second surgery last week when I came home with the same black stitches.  For any future surgeries I am to take some of Mommy's pink thread with me for the Dr. to use.

Plastic surgeons of the world take note.

Patience and Humility

Having your mouth sewn together teaches you a lot.

First, it takes a long time to get much nourishment through a straw!  And the food that will flow through a straw and is still palatable is pretty limited.  The Dr. keeps telling me to try not to lose much weight, but gee, it isn't easy.  I always knew these rolls of fat would come in handy sometime.

But even worse than the eating (if there is anything worse than not being able to eat a good juicy hamburger) is not being able to talk!  Three weeks without one good conversation may just do me in.  It is really hard to direct everyone's life with a legal pad and pen.  I'll just give everyone warning now--enjoy the peace and quiet because when these stitches come out...

So, Lord, I'm praying that I've learned this lesson about patience and humility and don't have to repeat it!

The photo is of my precious Texas granddaughter (1 1/2 years) who along with her Dad, Greg, came to visit me last week.

Words

In the past I have often hesitated to offer words or small acts of kindness to a person suffering a terminal illness because they seemed so inadequate and unworthy.  I have come to realize that those small words that may seem trite to the speaker are transformed by God into pearls.  They become golden lifelines to the child of God and lift up our spirit.  God is so gracious to use even the smallest things to ease our journey.

The photo is on top of the Waterpocket Fold in Capitol Reef National Park, Utah, late May 2010.  A rough jeep road and steep climb led to this spot which was beautiful but like a cold wind tunnel.  

Waving Goodbye

My 3 1/2 year old grandson, Warren Finch, is big into waves.  He insists on being 3 and a half and will correct anyone who fails to add the half.  His parents persist in calling him Finch, so I've taken on the task of reminding him that his name is "Warren".

Anyway, he loves to stand in their driveway and wave goodbye whenever we visit.  He waves and waves and wants to see waving in response.  He recently told me that he waves goodbye even after he can no longer see the car.

This struck me as how we leave this world; our loved ones wave goodbye even though they can no longer see us.  It is a comfort to know that they will be waving goodbye and then turning around and going on with life.

Cancer -- a short history

We have started on an uncharted journey for our family--dealing with CANCER.  It is still hard for me (Patricia) to say the words "I have cancer".  But it is true, and not one but two primary cancer tumors.

A brief history will catch us up-to-date while I can still remember the details.

From 1994-1998 I had several episodes and surgeries to remove pigmented, level skin spots on my left check which were classified as pre-melanoma cells.  I have been very diligent about avoiding sun exposure (I have a great sun hat collection) and have had no reoccurence until this summer.

While on a trip to Utah and Colorado this spring and summer, a skin-colored lesion appeared on my upper left lip.  In the one month before we returned to Huntsville, it grew and grew but still had no dark pigment. We were not overly concerned about the lesion because it looked nothing like my previous problem areas.   But my daughter was insistent and managed to get me an appointment with a local dermatologist in only 3 weeks instead of the usual 6 month "new patient" wait period.  August 27 appointment with Dr. M. alarmed us somewhat because she wouldn't biopsy it and referred us to a plastic surgeon.  Ten days later I had a consultation visit with Dr. D.  who scheduled surgery in his clinic in another ten days (September 20).

This first surgery was not too bad at all.  No hospital admissions and twilight anesthesic.  He did a great job even though he had to cut through the lip and stitch inside my mouth, etc.  The next day I was up cooking breakfast for house guests!  It took another 10 days to get the biopsy results because the local path lab sent the sample to California and additional dyes for measuring.

On Sept. 29 Dr. D. called with the Melanoma word.  Devastation was our immediate reaction. On Oct. 3, we met with Dr. D. and planned the next surgery and got appointment with a general surgeon, Dr. H., to remove sentinel lymph node at the same time.  The next day we met with Dr. H and he suggested a PET scan before proceeding to see if the melanoma had already spread.

On my birthday (Oct.7) I had a PET scan at a local hospital.  Dr. H. called with the results that evening and reported that it showed something in the colon.  He arranged for me to see a colo-rectal surgeon on Oct. 11.  Dr. C. performed a scope in his office and found and biopsied the tumor.  He made appointments with a radiation oncologist and medical oncologist two days later.  These were consulting visits and a firm plan of treatment will be developed after my resection surgery for melanoma and node testing.

On Oct. 20, I had node mapping at a local hospital.  Injecting the radioactive material in my cheek and lip was probably the worst things I've ever had done!  It felt like fire under my skin, but I survived and then went on to a surgery clinic for the resection.

More Tears

Last evening, October 21, 2010, the final blow fell.  Now is my time to walk the dark valley, but Praise the Lord I don't have to walk it alone.  I know that Jesus will be with me every step of the way.  This week I was reading in John of Mary's experience looking for Jesus's body in the Garden.  Before she recognized Jesus, he called her name! That spoke volumes to me  as  I felt Him calling my name and knew that He was calling me to come Home.  How my heart leaped with joy to leave the pain and sorrow of this world and to be with my Savior forever. 

But first I must grieve a while for the ones I am leaving behind.  What a true joy at the end on one's life to feel genuine love from my family and friends.  The things we take for granted are precious in their finality.  When Dr. H called this evening with the biopsy report of melanoma in the lymph node, our world crashed.  The hardest thing I've had to do was tell my children that there is little else to be done.  I am still just beginning to recover from the facial surgery of the 20th--two or three weeks until the stitches are removed from the flap on my mouth.  In the meantime, I'm wearing an awful, tight bandage and eating broth from a straw and soup with a baby spoon!  Some treatment will be required for the colon cancer to slow its progress, but just what is the easiest is yet to be decided.

We decided at the beginning of all this that when the treatments became futile we would stop them and enjoy our time instead of chasing down painful, useless roads.  With few options ahead, I think we have just about reached that point.

Tears

A good, old-fashioned cry was and still is at times the first order of business when I think of leaving my family.  I am truly not afraid to die, but it is very hard to burn to ashes the hopes of the future years with my darling husband,  children, and precious grandchildren.  But Jesus is leading me through this dark valley also and even when the tears come it is more for them than for me.

My family and friends could not have been more supportive and loving.  I have really learned to covet the prayers of Christians.  Knowing my name is being raised to God helps me desire to be in the center of His will--whether that is to be healed or called home.

Old Time Favorite Hymns

I love hymns--always have--always will.  I'm not knocking the new choruses, but you just can't beat the old hymns for meaningful words and melodies.

"Wherever He leads, I'll go" now has a new meaning for me.  With the new circumstances in my life, I have learned to appreciate the peace that comes with turning all things over to Him. No matter what I know He will lead me in the way I should go.